A Rollercoaster of a Year - Part 1

Happy to be home

Not even gonna lie... this past year+ has not been all sunshine and rainbows.  It's been a rollercoaster of a year, and the ride is coming to an end.  Kelly is going home.

This year has been a struggle.  Kelly had good days and bad days, but fairly consistently remained very reactive to external stimuli, despite *hours upon hours* of working towards asking her to be non-reactive.  There were definitely improvements, but it seemed as though as soon as we figured out one thing, another would come up.  We've gone through: being reactive to what was going on outside, anticipating every single possible thing the rider would ask, balking and refusing to go forward (but backwards, around in a circle, and up were all on the docket), throwing a fit when walking outside, getting pissy about going forward after taking a walk break, reacting by spinning and/or rearing when seeing other horses coming towards her, and trying to bolt when hearing loud-ish or distracting noises (like another horse farting).

And then there was the hind end lameness/neuro EPM rabbit hole we went down.  Multiple times.  Farrier sees lack of followthrough in hind end, vet takes a look and says, "EPM," second opinion vet says, "neuro, but test," original vet tests, very low titer + history indicates probably not EPM.  And then everything improves for a while.

And then the horse is lame.  It's fairly subtle, but it's there.  And it's *so* frustrating, because at this point, Kelly has built up muscle and topline, we've got a lot of the mental blocks straightened out, and she WANTS to work.  The chiropractic vet sees her, and says, "not EPM, but definitely neuro deficits... but I think I can help."  Several visits later, we're back on track.  Kelly is building muscle and topline again, she's getting stronger, and lateral work is becoming easier again.  She's on additional fat supplementation and vitamin E.  We try jumping her again, and all seems well for a couple weeks.

And then we're back to severe anxiety and overreactivity.  The canter is crap, but the trot is lovely.  I need to send my saddle in for a repair, so try a wider saddle on her, but it's way too wide.  I make some wither tracings so I can figure out how to pad appropriately while my saddle is being repaired... and I realize that she is *narrower* than she was when the saddle was fitted.  She's losing topline again, and I'm beginning to see that she's losing muscle over her shoulders, as well.

I'm losing hope, but I don't want to give up on her.  I don't want to disappoint her those close to her.  I don't want to be a quitter.

We talk about starting her on Adequan.  I mention to Trainer L that the mare feels like she needs to see the chiropractic vet again.  I feel like once we do those things, we'll be back on the right track.

But during our ride late last week - an easy walk-trot ride - Kelly starts head-bobbing again in a lameness sort of way.  And I can feel that she's not right.  And I'm done.

I'm done.

If Kelly isn't comfortable enough to walk and trot in lines and circles in a relaxed, long and low frame, how is it the right answer to throw injections and more visits from the chiropractic vet at her in an attempt to ask her to do more?  I'm not saying she shouldn't have those things to be comfortable, but it's not right to give her those things and then ask her to perform at a higher level.

But then I ask myself if I'm giving up too soon.  And what if, once she gets those things, she IS better again?  She's a nice mover and a very pretty jumper... am I throwing that away?

But then, she gets so overly anxious. And if it takes seeing the chiropractic vet every week to keep her comfortable, is that fair?

So I talked to Trainer L and Trainer N.  I talked to Debbie.  And we've decided that it is in Kelly's best interest for her to go home.

And I'm feeling a bit devastated, and a bit lost.